After my last Debbie Downer of a post, I thought it was time to lighten things up around here. While the process of recovering from surgery feels slow and at times incredibly frustrating, I'm trying to focus on the little things that make me smile. Here are three of them:
1. Shoes. Let's get some shoes.
If you didn't catch the reference, click here. You may thank me later.
No offense to my Saucony Ride 5s*, which have served me well for the last six weeks, but I am beyond thrilled to wear some of the other shoes that have been gathering dust in my closet. (Plus, I get to show off my sweet scar.) I wore these comfy Born sandals to run errands on Saturday, when it was a glorious 71 degrees and breezy. My feet felt like they were on vacation. Unfortunately, the rest of me was still in Indiana. Now I should probably start painting my toenails.
2. Banana Feet.
My physical therapist drew this illustration for one of my stretching exercises. (That would be me, the bunhead with the towel under her feet.) I thanked her for giving me banana feet, but I'm still waiting for my actual feet to follow suit.
3. Love.
My husband went on a guys' camping and rock climbing trip in Kentucky last weekend, so not only was I mopey, but I was alone and mopey. We barely talked all weekend because his cell phone was dying (turns out there are no chargers in rock faces?), but I think he sensed the bummer of a mood and brought home these beautiful Trader Joe's flowers. He's the sweetest...and also, handsome. (That's his studly self in the background with some girl in white.)
*Speaking of my Sauconys, one of the best pre-surgery tips I could offer someone is to buy comfortable sneakers if you don't have them already! My old ones made my knees hurt for some reason, so the week before surgery I went to a local running store, had a gait analysis done, and splurged on some new sneaks. So glad I did -- I wore them almost every day for the first six weeks after surgery.
I’ll start this post with the disclaimer that I may regret
the decision to BWE (Blog While Emotional). But as one of my favorite ‘90s
songstresses, Dido, once said, “If I didn’t say it, well, I’d still have felt
it. Where’s the sense in that?”
Earlier this week I had a double-header of appointments in Indianapolis: my six-week
checkup with my surgeon, and my first session with a physical therapist who is a
former professional ballet dancer. The first appointment went faster and better
than I could have imagined. According to my surgeon, the range of motion in my
ankle, both pointing and flexing, looks great. My incision is totally healed. I
could stop wearing my ankle brace and, best of all, head back to ballet class. By
my next appointment, he expected I would be doing everything I could before
surgery, including pointe work and jumping. I scheduled one last appointment for
mid-September and sailed out of there.
That feeling didn’t last long. My PT's take on the
situation was not quite as glowing. No way was I heading back to class right away, and“in six weeks,” she said, “we'll
talk about pointe.”
The appointment started with a bunch of measurements, and
let’s just say that when my surgeon forced my foot into a pointed position, it
measured 110 degrees. When I had to point my foot myself and hold it there, it measured 72 degrees. I don’t have the muscle memory and the strength to
reach my end range of motion — it’s almost like my body thinks the extra bone
is still jammed in the back of my ankle.
Also alarming is that I have (again, PT’s words) “very effectively learned to
substitute” incorrect muscles and tendons to protect my bad ankle. Now I have to
un-learn those habits and re-train my body, which is not the easiest task after
a year and a half of being in pain. It’s horrifying now to think about how long
my injuries went misdiagnosed and unaddressed, and how much time I spent
developing coping mechanisms so I could continue to dance.
My PT reminded me that my FHL tear was significant — that I
need to be patient and careful because, after all, I ended up having a worse
injury and more extensive surgery than I initially thought. She gave me a bunch
of new stretching and strengthening exercises to do on my own, and I see her
again in three weeks.
I know I have so much to be thankful for, namely that I have
access to fantastic care from professionals who know how to get me back to dancing. But after hearing so many friend-of-a-friend stories about dancers going back
to barre a few weeks after surgery, it’s disheartening to feel like my own
recovery isn’t progressing as well.
I spent much of the 3 ½-hour drive home in horrible pain
(scar tissue massage, hello!) and
trying to fight back tears of frustration. Of course, in its magical and creepy
“I know your soul” sorta way, my iPod’s shuffle mode produced this song:
Yesterday, when you
were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you’re all alone,
What can you do?
…You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another
step,
The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will
ever get.
But you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
So here I go: walking on and trying to keep my chin up, in true ballet dancer style. By the way, does anyone else think that puppet looks just like Ted Mosby?
Today marks one month since my ankle surgery, so I figure it’s
a good time to update my long-neglected blog. I’m doing pretty well — back to
my normal routine (with the exception of ballet), and just trying to hide from
the “What Not to Wear” camera crews that are inevitably lurking around my workplace.
I’m still rocking the dress clothes/sneakers/ankle brace combination…or, as one
colleague called it, “the Metro look.” I hope Stacy and Clinton, as New
Yorkers, will understand.
So, where were we? From two to three weeks post-op, I saw a
lot of improvement in my ankle. I was able to start exercising every day by
riding the stationary bike, swimming, or doing the elliptical machine. At the
three-week mark, I could point my bad foot about as far as I could before
surgery — which, granted, is still not as good as my other foot, but a massive
improvement over the previous couple weeks. I started doing some gentle barre
work like my surgeon encouraged, but experienced pain and restricted motion,
especially in demi plie.
This past week, I have to admit that I’ve been feeling a
little low. Since I’m exercising every day, feeling fit and healthy and
generally normal, I feel like I should be performing full-length ballets or
banging out fouettes on pointe. But this isn’t the case — recovery is going to
be a long journey, and I’m still early in the process. I know surgery isn’t a
magical fix, especially since I had pain and range-of-motion problems for over
a year, but I still feel a little nervous about being able to gain the strength
and ROM I need to resume dancing. While I am seeing consistent improvements, right
now I am nowhere near the plantar flexion I need to be able to dance on pointe.
I know I’m only four weeks out, and I’m lucky I can keep up
my stamina and burn off some energy by doing daily cardio. (Plus, I’ve been
trying to eat more protein because it helps with healing, so I’m feeling lean
and mean!) But I miss dancing so much. Sure, it’s nice to come home from work,
cook dinner, and relax…but really, I just want to change into a leotard and
tights, swing my dance bag over my shoulder, and head right back out the door.
Earlier this week I was reading the new Pointe Magazine, which includes a column about the Lilac Fairy
variation from Sleeping Beauty. On the very rare occasion that a lot of people are absent from
pointe class, we get to learn a variation, and the last one I learned was Lilac
Fairy. I hated all the piques on the right (bad) foot and wobbled all over the
place, but nailed the diagonal — the huge sissonnes and double pirouettes. I was
reading my magazine seriously aching to do those big, gorgeous jumps!
Hopefully that isn’t too far down the road. In two weeks, I head back
to Indianapolis
for my third post-op appointment. No offense to my surgeon, who in addition to
being a rock star is a very nice guy, but I hope this will be the last time I need
to see him! I’m actually excited for my physical therapy session (...is that
weird?) because I will see a different PT, a former professional ballet dancer
who specializes in dance medicine. I’m confident that she will be able to make
great suggestions and give me a timetable for getting back into ballet. My studio is currently on a break between the summer intensive and fall classes, which
resume August 11. I, for one, plan to be there!
Good news: I’ve been much more active this week and am
getting back into my normal routine — work, exercising, spending time with my
husband and friends. Bad news (for this blog, anyway): That means I’m not on
the couch 24/7 with nothing to do. This is supposed to be my two weeks
post-surgery update, so let’s just use our imaginations and pretend I posted
this five days ago, mmkay?
After scaling back from two crutches to one, last Saturday
(11 days after surgery) was the first day I did not touch a crutch or a pill at
all, which was a wonderful feeling. On Monday, I headed to Indianapolis for my two-week follow-up
appointment and a PT session. My incision is healing well, so I got my stitches
out and got a pleasant surprise, too: They’re already weaning me out of my
walking boot! The trade-off is a bulky, lace-up ankle brace that I wear from 8
a.m.-4 p.m., which results in some attractive work outfits like this:
Yeah, you love it.
They warned me the brace probably wouldn’t fit in any shoe
except a sneaker, and while I tried valiantly to wear it with ballet flats, it
just wasn’t happening. Still, it beats clomping around in a boot all day. (I still have to wear it in the evenings for now.)
My surgeon, Dr. Porter, also cleared me to drive, swim, and
increase my time on the stationary bike. My physical therapy exercises
this week include heel raises on both feet in parallel, a stair stretch for my
Achilles, and manually stretching my foot and ankle into a pointed position,
all done three times a day. I can also try gentle plies and eleves in ballet
positions facing the barre.
Up until my two-week appointment, I’ll admit I was babying
my ankle, not sure how much movement or weight it could handle and afraid I
would rip out the stitches. Now I know it’s OK to push myself within reason — it’s
important to be aggressive in my stretching to make sure my range of motion
returns. It’s still a little spooky to see how stiff my ankle is, but I gained
12 degrees of dorsiflexion (flexing) and 3 degrees of plantar flexion
(pointing) between my one- and two-week appointments — and that was when I was wearing
my boot all the time. Now that I’m in the ankle brace, which allows much more
movement, this positive trend should only continue.
My next appointment isn’t until August, which is a welcome
break in traveling since my surgeon’s office is several hours away! I'll
continue to post updates on here as I see changes and improvements.
As I settle back into my “normal” life (home with my husband
and dog instead of my parents…and other dog), I wanted to post a quick
shout-out to one wonderful lady: my mom! Her birthday is today, but she
deserves a shout-out every day of the year.
Mama and me on the Fourth of July
I already knew my mom was awesome, of course, but this past week I learned that she is also an excellent and experienced post-surgery nurse!
(My brother is a professional soccer player and went under the knife several
times in college, so this is, oh, kid surgery #5 for her?) No matter how old you are, nobody takes care of you like your mom, and I can’t even express
how grateful I am to her for keeping me company this past week — carrying
my stuff while I butt-crawled up the stairs, keeping track of my ridiculous
pill regimen, and just making sure I was as comfortable and relaxed as possible.
Plus, she cooks like a boss. I once read that you shouldn’t restrict your
calorie intake for a month after surgery because your body uses a lot of energy
to heal itself. I don’t think that will be a problem for me…
Love you, Mama! Happy birthday!
Aaand a quick ankle update to round out this post: In just
three days, I’ve already noticed improvements in my range of motion and my
incision. (The large bruise by my arch is fading quickly.) When I walk I feel a
sensation of stretching where my stitches are, which is a little creepy but
normal, I’m told. I’m working on walking in just my boot and will hopefully be
crutch-free in the next couple of days. My next appointment is Monday, so I’ll
post another update then!
After my last bummer of a blog post, I’m happy to say I have
been feeling much better the last few days. This weekend, I continued to dial
back my medication dosages and get more confident walking on two feet while
still using both crutches. I also rejoined the world by going outside on
Saturday for the first time since surgery (in the morning, before the temps hit
triple digits…) and going to the grocery store with my mom yesterday! Yes, this
deserves an exclamation point. I know it’s ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop
smiling the whole time. While it was nice to spend a few days napping, reading
books, and watching movies at home, I much prefer being active and social, so
it didn’t take long for me to become a little stir-crazy.
Today, six days post-op, was my first follow-up appointment
and PT session in Indianapolis.
I was equal parts horrified and intrigued to see what was underneath the
bandages from surgery. Without further ado…ta-da!
Behold, Franken-Ankle!
While I was sitting in the exam room waiting for Dr. Porter,
I got a bit sad and freaked out looking at my ankle — even though it was a mess
inside before surgery, it’s hard to see one of my dancing feet so visibly mangled!
All of the exam rooms at Methodist Sports Medicine are decorated with framed pictures
and thank-you notes from patients, and looking at those strong, confident athletes,
I feel so far from that point right now. However, I know that a huge part of
recovery is mental: I need to tell myself to take things day by day, but remember
why I’m going through this and imagine myself on those walls — not to mention
back in the studio and on stage!
Dr. Porter told me that my bruising, swelling, and stiffness
are normal and will continue to go down. He also asked, “How did you get so
tough?” when I told him the pain hadn’t been too bad the first week. My reply: “Dancing
on a torn tendon and a broken bone…”
Over the next 3-5 days, I’m supposed to wean myself off
crutches, using just one first and then walking in my boot. My incision is now covered
by two big Band-Aids, which I can remove to shower. (Yes, true confession, I
haven’t showered in a week. Two words: doctor’s orders…and, baby wipes. At
least my nurse mom helped me wash my hair in the kitchen sink!) I also was
cleared to sleep without my boot, which will be a glorious break from wearing
it 24/7 like I have since surgery.
Today’s PT session was pretty brief and mostly involved
measuring the range of motion of both ankles, as well as learning a series of
exercises to do on my own several times a day. The therapist also manually
pointed and flexed my foot back and forth for a while. Needless to say, it’s quite
stiff, so I asked the PT if I should be concerned. (Such a dancer question…) He
said no and reminded me that I’m only six days post-op and have been in a boot
the whole time…breathe, Kristen!
At my next appointment in Indy, a week from today, I’ll get
my stitches out and build on the PT exercises I do at home. (At four weeks,
once I'm ready to return to ballet, I’ll start seeing a dance specialist PT.) Assuming the
incision continues to heal well, I should be able to start swimming for cardio
and also should be driving by my next appointment. I’m looking forward to
seeing more progress and, as always, grateful for those who are supporting and
encouraging me on this journey!
I had a feeling the last few days were too
good to be true. Minimal pain, no nausea, and a good night’s sleep the second
night after surgery? Seriously? Well, at 2:30 a.m. today I woke up with a
horrible stomachache and spent the next eight hours miserable and sick. There
is nothing that feels more pathetic than being 26 years old, throwing up the
entire contents of your stomach, and calling for your mom to come pick you up
off the bathroom floor because you can’t stand up on your own.
I called the doctor’s office as soon as they
opened, and they suggested stopping my prescription painkiller (it’s about time
to phase that out, anyway) and seeing if Aleve and extra-strength Tylenol are enough
to keep the pain in check. So far, so good. I slept for most of the day and
have been trying to refuel on Gatorade and crackers — being so sick made me feel
weak and exhausted. I butt-crawled up the stairs to get dressed around noon,
and just doing that completely drained my energy.
I’ve actually slept a lot since surgery,
period — the prescription pain pills made me tired, and I’ve been having a hard
time staying awake through any of the books and movies I brought with me! I
hope this means my body is dedicating all of its energy to healing. Plus, I find
inspiration in the words of Barney Stinson a Greek philosopher, who once
said, “Whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome
instead.”
So, it's been a rough day, but I’m hanging in there! My surgeon called
Wednesday afternoon to see how I’m doing and suggested that I try to put weight
on my right foot (with crutches) starting Thursday. I was able to walk around
for a little bit yesterday before heading back to the comfort of my cryocuff,
AKA my new best friend. I’ve been keeping up with my exercises and cryocuff the
best I can with my crazy sleep schedule, and hopefully by my one-week follow-up
appointment on Monday I will be putting weight on my foot more or possibly
using just one crutch.
Until the next update, a few pictures:
What I wake up to! Fact: chocolate and peanut butter treats speed healing by 50%.
The sweetest get-well card from my favourite Brit, Kate!
My route to the couch, blocked by the alpha beagle. (This was taken yesterday...ain't no one going to see my sad self today!)
