Cracking Nuts

I’m happy to announce I can check off another milestone on this journey: my first post-surgery performances! This year’s Nutcracker has come and gone, and it will always be special to me as my first time back on stage, complete with one new scar and a profound gratitude for being able to dance again.

The weekend was so busy that it’s kind of a blur — much like this picture, which is what you get when you ask your husband (the oh-so-willing party scene parent and unitard-wearing Mouse King) to take pictures from backstage.

I was too busy to get many pictures, but here are a few more shots from Nutcracker:

Stage dirt on the front edge of the pointe shoe platforms. After dealing with 5+ months of swelling in the back of one’s right ankle, this is a glorious sight.

Stage makeup. Rawr.

That awkward moment when you show up for warm-up, makeup half done and dressed like a Red Hat lady. (This jacket is purple, not blue, in real life.)

With my parents, brother, and husband after Friday night’s performance

Flowers from my family!

It was such a wonderful feeling to get through a long week of rehearsals, warm-up classes, and performances with minimal pain. Now I’m enjoying two weeks off before classes start up again in January. I’m looking forward to getting back en pointe in earnest — aside from the minimal pointe work in the Nutcracker party scene and working on my own to rebuild strength, I haven’t really danced en pointe in a challenging, meaningful way in six months. Gulp. I plan to start with a lower level class than I was taking before surgery, just to make sure I don’t do too much too soon. But I'm feeling strong and the swelling and pain I was having en pointe is much improved, so I'm hoping it won't be too tough to get back where I was.

I may pop in to blogland occasionally and update, but since I’ve been discharged from physical therapy and deemed well on my way to being 100% again, I probably won’t have any major news to share.

 

I hope anyone who is dealing with os trigonum or FHL tendon issues, or just injuries and recovery in general, has found this blog helpful. If anything, it’s an honest reflection of my experiences, which have included pain, frustration, and sadness along the way. But now that I'm more or less on the other side of this journey, I’m truly thankful for this experience. My ankle feels better than it has in years, and I’m a stronger dancer and person because of what I’ve been through over the last six months.

 

As always, thank you for reading! I hope you have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. May it bring you new hope and new beginnings (I, for one, can't wait)!

Graduated!

Hi everyone! (I start this post as if people are reading it. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?) I hope any Americans reading this had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are fully recovered from turkey comas. I took last week off work to spend time with my family, including my younger brother, who lives in Los Angeles and hasn’t been home for six months. There was much wine, lounging, fishing off the dock (my parents live on a lake), and delicious food. However, with Nutcracker coming up soon, I tried to load up on the veggies — my Spanish costume is really not made to accommodate a food baby.

Speaking of ballet, I have some good news: One week shy of my 5-month surgiversary, I became a physical therapy graduate! I had an appointment last Monday, and according to my PT, everything is looking great. My range of motion (pointing, flexing, demi plié, releve), measures the same on both feet, and at this point, I probably have around 80 percent of the strength in my right ankle as I do in my left. So, even though I am officially discharged, I still have strength and proprioception exercises to do, and I need to be careful to keep my ankle and calf stretched out. If I don’t stretch for a day or two, I notice a big difference in the tightness of my ankle.

So where does that leave me? Ready to crack some nuts in just 11 days, enjoy a restful break over Christmas, and come back in the New Year ready for a fresh start, which will hopefully involve coming back to pointe class. I’m still working on pointe on my own, and although I still get sore more quickly than I would like, it’s improving slowly but surely. This weekend I noticed that the entire platform of my right pointe shoe is dirty, not just the back edge — after having a chunk of broken bone removed from one’s ankle, that feels like a tremendous accomplishment!

As challenging as 2012 has been in many ways, it’s been a transformative year for me, in no small part due to my surgery and rehab. This might sound like holiday-season cheese, but I truly believe now that this all happened for a reason — I’ve learned and grown so much along the way. Also, I am so thankful to have a wonderful physical therapist and surgeon on this journey with me. I don’t think I would be where I am right now without them. In addition to helping me heal physically, they have given me hope that I frankly didn’t have six months ago. After a year and a half of not getting any answers, I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I might have to stop dancing or just be in pain forever.  Now I’m looking forward to many more years of doing what I love — and that makes it all worthwhile.

Merde to all the dancers out there getting ready for Nutcracker or other holiday performances! I’ll post photos from mine, so stay tuned, and as always, thanks for reading!

Dear Brave Girl

Good morning, everyone! I'm heading out soon for a long day of class and Nutcracker rehearsals (it feels so good to say that!), but I wanted to quickly share a message from one of my favorite websites, Brave Girls Club. Along with fabulous online courses and workshops, they offer free "Daily Truth" e-mails that I always find inspiring. I thought today's was fitting for this blog and beautifully captures the process of recovery. Enjoy!

Dear Brave Girl,

One step forward, one step forward, one step forward. Two steps forward and one step back. Three steps forward, three steps back. Five steps forward, two steps back. No, this is NOT a math lesson. This is LIFE, lovely girl!

Please don't freak out or beat yourself up when you have setbacks. You are not a failure. You did not make bad plans and your steps backward do not determine your worth as a human being.

Sometimes we think we have things figured out, or that we have overcome something, and then it returns to our lives in a different way, leaving us to feel like we have failed in some way. What this actually is, is a beautiful new chance to learn and grow, and it shows up right when we are ready to take it on, even if it seems otherwise.

Remember that life is a process -- all of it. There are lots of finish lines, not just one. We get to start new climbs, new races, every day. Some days we are moving forward effortlessly, some days we are learning to work through life in other ways. It's all good, and it's all necessary. And you are doing a tremendous job. Reach for the gifts found in the setbacks and decide that tomorrow is a brand new day.

Have a fabulous weekend. You are so very loved.

xoxo

A message from your friends at the Brave Girls Club - www.bravegirlsclub.com

Brighter Days

Happy fall, everybody! After a gorgeous drive along Indiana highways (during which I took way too many cell-phone pictures of the trees), I was in Naptown earlier this week for physical therapy, so I thought I'd post an update.

I'm approaching four months post-op and am happy to say that I'm feeling much more positive about this whole situation than when I posted my vlog last month. (Thanks to everyone who hung in there for the whole 9+ minutes...sheesh, I talk a lot! I guess I finally got to fulfill my '90s teenage dream of spilling my guts in the Real World confessional booth...)

Anyway, I've been doing pretty well lately. I'm getting through technique class with very few modifications, if any, and am becoming a lot more consistent in terms of my pain levels and what I'm able to do without getting too sore or tired. I started petit allegro a couple weeks ago, which gave me floppy "fish foot" at first due to my ankle being weak, but it's shaping up -- good thing, because I love petit allegro. (Crazy, right?!) I also attempted grand allegro last night, with my PT's OK. I felt it afterward, but I was so happy to move like that for the first time in almost four months! I always have and probably always will love to jump. At least until I'm 85 or so.

OK, now the not-so-good news. I'm still not back en pointe due to pain and a jammed feeling in the back of my ankle, even though I'm only doing super-basic things for short periods of time. I had my pointe shoes on for part of my physical therapy appointment this week, and it was not pretty. I can't get all the way over on my foot that had surgery, and if I push harder to try and get over my box, it really hurts -- and that's coming from someone who feels like she's built up a pretty legit pain tolerance over the last couple years. My PT said I probably still have some swelling from surgery and that I likely will until six months out, which blows my mind. (Also, best quote of the day: "You have good feet...and one angry ankle!") So for now, I'm just keeping at it, hoping it will slowly start to feel better.

Due to all this, I decided to sit out Snow and Flowers for Nutcracker this year because there's just no way I'll be ready for all the pointe work. I'm a teeny bit sad because Snow rehearsals started this week and OMG the sparkly white tutus! (out comes my inner six-year-old), but I was pleasantly surprised to get cast in Spanish, with character shoes. I'm glad that my teachers found a way for me to still be involved, and mostly, I'm relieved that I don't have to slap a deadline on this whole healing process by rushing to get back en pointe.

This experience has been a huge lesson in patience and letting my body work things out on its own terms. (I also turned 27 last week, so maybe it's just old age bringing me new wisdom?) Either way, I've learned and grown so much along this journey, and it isn't over yet! I have another PT appointment in a month, so I'll update again then, if not sooner. Until then, thanks for reading! And, uh, enjoy this snapshot of my evening: how my Great Dane mix is currently snoozing as I write.

Decency, sir.

Blessed.

Three months ago, my foot looked like this:

Today, it looks like this:

"You know, there are creams you can put on that," my mom told me this summer. But for once, I'm OK with being imperfect — I don't want to hide my flaws or deny that they are part of who I am. For the rest of my life, I will dance with a skinny red scar that reminds me I am human...that sometimes I break and need to be stitched back together. The process isn't without pain, tears, and frustration. But it is teaching me so much about who I am and who I can become. You don't know how brave you can be until it's the only choice you have if you want to move forward.

Tonight, I'm giving thanks for new beginnings, everyday angels, broken roads that lead us exactly where we're meant to be, and a scar that will never let me forget.

Bad Lights. Bad Camera. Action?

Trying something new this time: a video blog update in which I tell tales of torture boots, fight a Pilates reformer (and lose), and try not to get too teary-eyed while talking into a camera. Without further ado...

Back in Black (And Pink)

Once again, I've let this blog languish, but rest assured that no news is good news. I'm 11 weeks out from surgery and have been back to ballet for three weeks. My heart is happy, and I'm finally starting to feel like a dancer again! My first class back, I was the happiest girl ever -- I grinned like a goon all the way through barre. Although the back of my ankle is still stiff and sore when I point my foot, it is nothing compared to the searing pain I had before surgery, and I'm feeling less pain and more confidence every time I take class. At this point, I'm doing a full barre with some modifications. (For those who are interested and appreciate ballet jargon, this means no striking on frappes, holding balances on flat instead of releve, and doing some combinations at half tempo -- such as tendus and degages -- because pointing my foot too fast makes my ankle sore and tired.) I can usually get through the first two or three combinations in center, and while I'm not jumping or doing pointe work yet, I can feel myself getting stronger and hope I will be there soon.

I'm also happy to report that my last physical therapy appointment brought much more positive news than the one before it! In three weeks, I gained 15 degrees of plantar flexion (pointing), which is a huge relief -- especially since my pointed foot still doesn't look great, and my PT told me not to worry because it will come. (I think her exact words were, "This is not going to be a good time for your foot. Make your peace with it!") So, while my ankle continues to heal, I'm doing a lot of hip and glute strengthening exercises to get my body back in dancin' shape.

Every evening, I also have the pleasure of slathering my incision site with cocoa butter and digging into it with the handle of a dinner knife. The purpose of this medieval torture activity is to break up scar tissue and make sure that it doesn't restrict my range of motion or get tangled up with the many nerve endings in that part of the ankle. It's excruciating, but my scar does feel a little smoother. At the very least, it's well moisturized and smells like chocolate...

I see my surgeon and physical therapist a week from today, probably for the last time (at least for the surgeon -- I'm not sure how many more PT sessions I'll have after this). It's weird to feel this journey starting to wind down. I won't miss the 3 1/2-hour drives to Indianapolis each way, but oddly enough, I've always looked forward to these appointments. It's nice to know where I stand in my recovery and get advice on how I can keep improving.

Lately I've gotten a lot of questions and comments from friends/acquaintances along the lines of "So you're all better now?" and "I can't even tell you had surgery!" It's true that I can wear regular shoes, walk around without limping, and perform all the normal functions I need to get through a day. I'm thankful for that, especially since I couldn't do any of those things a couple months ago, but that doesn't begin to cover what I need to dance -- to fulfill the passions and aspirations that add magic into my life. Dancing is part of my soul, and it's hard to take things slowly and have so many restrictions and uncertainties. This story is by no means over and there are still many question marks, namely to what extent I'll be able to perform in Nutcracker this year (we start rehearsals in just over a month, and I'm not even back on pointe yet). That's another question I've been getting a lot lately!

This summer has been a crazy rollercoaster of ups and downs, but I'm comforted by the fact that I don't have to go through it by myself. I was listening to the Weepies song I posted on here a few weeks ago (the one with the Ted Mosby puppet in the video!) and was surprised to find that I'm in a very different frame of mind these days. "Now you do it on your own/But you find you're all alone..." is how I may have felt at times during my recovery, but the truth is that I have never walked alone on this journey. I'm surrounded by angels in the form of friends, family, coworkers, dance teachers, doctors, nurses, physical therapists, clinic assistants...they're all pulling for me. They care how I'm feeling both physically and mentally, and their encouragement keeps me going on the hard days when I feel so far from where I want to be. A heartfelt thanks to everyone who has supported me throughout this process and continues to hang in there with me!

Happies

After my last Debbie Downer of a post, I thought it was time to lighten things up around here. While the process of recovering from surgery feels slow and at times incredibly frustrating, I'm trying to focus on the little things that make me smile. Here are three of them:

1. Shoes. Let's get some shoes.

If you didn't catch the reference, click here. You may thank me later.

No offense to my Saucony Ride 5s*, which have served me well for the last six weeks, but I am beyond thrilled to wear some of the other shoes that have been gathering dust in my closet. (Plus, I get to show off my sweet scar.) I wore these comfy Born sandals to run errands on Saturday, when it was a glorious 71 degrees and breezy. My feet felt like they were on vacation. Unfortunately, the rest of me was still in Indiana. Now I should probably start painting my toenails.

2. Banana Feet.

My physical therapist drew this illustration for one of my stretching exercises. (That would be me, the bunhead with the towel under her feet.) I thanked her for giving me banana feet, but I'm still waiting for my actual feet to follow suit.

3. Love.

My husband went on a guys' camping and rock climbing trip in Kentucky last weekend, so not only was I mopey, but I was alone and mopey. We barely talked all weekend because his cell phone was dying (turns out there are no chargers in rock faces?), but I think he sensed the bummer of a mood and brought home these beautiful Trader Joe's flowers. He's the sweetest...and also, handsome. (That's his studly self in the background with some girl in white.)

*Speaking of my Sauconys, one of the best pre-surgery tips I could offer someone is to buy comfortable sneakers if you don't have them already! My old ones made my knees hurt for some reason, so the week before surgery I went to a local running store, had a gait analysis done, and splurged on some new sneaks. So glad I did -- I wore them almost every day for the first six weeks after surgery.

Can't Go Back Now

I’ll start this post with the disclaimer that I may regret the decision to BWE (Blog While Emotional). But as one of my favorite ‘90s songstresses, Dido, once said, “If I didn’t say it, well, I’d still have felt it. Where’s the sense in that?”

Earlier this week I had a double-header of appointments in Indianapolis: my six-week checkup with my surgeon, and my first session with a physical therapist who is a former professional ballet dancer. The first appointment went faster and better than I could have imagined. According to my surgeon, the range of motion in my ankle, both pointing and flexing, looks great. My incision is totally healed. I could stop wearing my ankle brace and, best of all, head back to ballet class. By my next appointment, he expected I would be doing everything I could before surgery, including pointe work and jumping. I scheduled one last appointment for mid-September and sailed out of there.

That feeling didn’t last long. My PT's take on the situation was not quite as glowing. No way was I heading back to class right away, and “in six weeks,” she said, “we'll talk about pointe.”

The appointment started with a bunch of measurements, and let’s just say that when my surgeon forced my foot into a pointed position, it measured 110 degrees. When I had to point my foot myself and hold it there, it measured 72 degrees. I don’t have the muscle memory and the strength to reach my end range of motion — it’s almost like my body thinks the extra bone is still jammed in the back of my ankle.

Also alarming is that I have (again, PT’s words) “very effectively learned to substitute” incorrect muscles and tendons to protect my bad ankle. Now I have to un-learn those habits and re-train my body, which is not the easiest task after a year and a half of being in pain. It’s horrifying now to think about how long my injuries went misdiagnosed and unaddressed, and how much time I spent developing coping mechanisms so I could continue to dance.

My PT reminded me that my FHL tear was significant — that I need to be patient and careful because, after all, I ended up having a worse injury and more extensive surgery than I initially thought. She gave me a bunch of new stretching and strengthening exercises to do on my own, and I see her again in three weeks.

I know I have so much to be thankful for, namely that I have access to fantastic care from professionals who know how to get me back to dancing. But after hearing so many friend-of-a-friend stories about dancers going back to barre a few weeks after surgery, it’s disheartening to feel like my own recovery isn’t progressing as well.

I spent much of the 3 ½-hour drive home in horrible pain (scar tissue massage, hello!) and trying to fight back tears of frustration. Of course, in its magical and creepy “I know your soul” sorta way, my iPod’s shuffle mode produced this song:

Yesterday, when you were young,

Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you’re all alone,
What can you do?

…You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step,
The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get.

But you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Cause you can’t go back now

So here I go: walking on and trying to keep my chin up, in true ballet dancer style. By the way, does anyone else think that puppet looks just like Ted Mosby?

Surgiversary

Today marks one month since my ankle surgery, so I figure it’s a good time to update my long-neglected blog. I’m doing pretty well — back to my normal routine (with the exception of ballet), and just trying to hide from the “What Not to Wear” camera crews that are inevitably lurking around my workplace. I’m still rocking the dress clothes/sneakers/ankle brace combination…or, as one colleague called it, “the Metro look.” I hope Stacy and Clinton, as New Yorkers, will understand.

So, where were we? From two to three weeks post-op, I saw a lot of improvement in my ankle. I was able to start exercising every day by riding the stationary bike, swimming, or doing the elliptical machine. At the three-week mark, I could point my bad foot about as far as I could before surgery — which, granted, is still not as good as my other foot, but a massive improvement over the previous couple weeks. I started doing some gentle barre work like my surgeon encouraged, but experienced pain and restricted motion, especially in demi plie.

This past week, I have to admit that I’ve been feeling a little low. Since I’m exercising every day, feeling fit and healthy and generally normal, I feel like I should be performing full-length ballets or banging out fouettes on pointe. But this isn’t the case — recovery is going to be a long journey, and I’m still early in the process. I know surgery isn’t a magical fix, especially since I had pain and range-of-motion problems for over a year, but I still feel a little nervous about being able to gain the strength and ROM I need to resume dancing. While I am seeing consistent improvements, right now I am nowhere near the plantar flexion I need to be able to dance on pointe.

I know I’m only four weeks out, and I’m lucky I can keep up my stamina and burn off some energy by doing daily cardio. (Plus, I’ve been trying to eat more protein because it helps with healing, so I’m feeling lean and mean!) But I miss dancing so much. Sure, it’s nice to come home from work, cook dinner, and relax…but really, I just want to change into a leotard and tights, swing my dance bag over my shoulder, and head right back out the door.

Earlier this week I was reading the new Pointe Magazine, which includes a column about the Lilac Fairy variation from Sleeping Beauty. On the very rare occasion that a lot of people are absent from pointe class, we get to learn a variation, and the last one I learned was Lilac Fairy. I hated all the piques on the right (bad) foot and wobbled all over the place, but nailed the diagonal — the huge sissonnes and double pirouettes. I was reading my magazine seriously aching to do those big, gorgeous jumps!

Hopefully that isn’t too far down the road. In two weeks, I head back to Indianapolis for my third post-op appointment. No offense to my surgeon, who in addition to being a rock star is a very nice guy, but I hope this will be the last time I need to see him! I’m actually excited for my physical therapy session (...is that weird?) because I will see a different PT, a former professional ballet dancer who specializes in dance medicine. I’m confident that she will be able to make great suggestions and give me a timetable for getting back into ballet. My studio is currently on a break between the summer intensive and fall classes, which resume August 11. I, for one, plan to be there!

Two Weeks Notice

Good news: I’ve been much more active this week and am getting back into my normal routine — work, exercising, spending time with my husband and friends. Bad news (for this blog, anyway): That means I’m not on the couch 24/7 with nothing to do. This is supposed to be my two weeks post-surgery update, so let’s just use our imaginations and pretend I posted this five days ago, mmkay?

After scaling back from two crutches to one, last Saturday (11 days after surgery) was the first day I did not touch a crutch or a pill at all, which was a wonderful feeling. On Monday, I headed to Indianapolis for my two-week follow-up appointment and a PT session. My incision is healing well, so I got my stitches out and got a pleasant surprise, too: They’re already weaning me out of my walking boot! The trade-off is a bulky, lace-up ankle brace that I wear from 8 a.m.-4 p.m., which results in some attractive work outfits like this: 

Yeah, you love it.

They warned me the brace probably wouldn’t fit in any shoe except a sneaker, and while I tried valiantly to wear it with ballet flats, it just wasn’t happening. Still, it beats clomping around in a boot all day. (I still have to wear it in the evenings for now.)

My surgeon, Dr. Porter, also cleared me to drive, swim, and increase my time on the stationary bike. My physical therapy exercises this week include heel raises on both feet in parallel, a stair stretch for my Achilles, and manually stretching my foot and ankle into a pointed position, all done three times a day. I can also try gentle plies and eleves in ballet positions facing the barre.

Up until my two-week appointment, I’ll admit I was babying my ankle, not sure how much movement or weight it could handle and afraid I would rip out the stitches. Now I know it’s OK to push myself within reason — it’s important to be aggressive in my stretching to make sure my range of motion returns. It’s still a little spooky to see how stiff my ankle is, but I gained 12 degrees of dorsiflexion (flexing) and 3 degrees of plantar flexion (pointing) between my one- and two-week appointments — and that was when I was wearing my boot all the time. Now that I’m in the ankle brace, which allows much more movement, this positive trend should only continue.

My next appointment isn’t until August, which is a welcome break in traveling since my surgeon’s office is several hours away! I'll continue to post updates on here as I see changes and improvements.

Super-Mom

As I settle back into my “normal” life (home with my husband and dog instead of my parents…and other dog), I wanted to post a quick shout-out to one wonderful lady: my mom! Her birthday is today, but she deserves a shout-out every day of the year.

Mama and me on the Fourth of July

I already knew my mom was awesome, of course, but this past week I learned that she is also an excellent and experienced post-surgery nurse! (My brother is a professional soccer player and went under the knife several times in college, so this is, oh, kid surgery #5 for her?) No matter how old you are, nobody takes care of you like your mom, and I can’t even express how grateful I am to her for keeping me company this past week — carrying my stuff while I butt-crawled up the stairs, keeping track of my ridiculous pill regimen, and just making sure I was as comfortable and relaxed as possible. Plus, she cooks like a boss. I once read that you shouldn’t restrict your calorie intake for a month after surgery because your body uses a lot of energy to heal itself. I don’t think that will be a problem for me…

Love you, Mama! Happy birthday!

Aaand a quick ankle update to round out this post: In just three days, I’ve already noticed improvements in my range of motion and my incision. (The large bruise by my arch is fading quickly.) When I walk I feel a sensation of stretching where my stitches are, which is a little creepy but normal, I’m told. I’m working on walking in just my boot and will hopefully be crutch-free in the next couple of days. My next appointment is Monday, so I’ll post another update then!

Hello, World

After my last bummer of a blog post, I’m happy to say I have been feeling much better the last few days. This weekend, I continued to dial back my medication dosages and get more confident walking on two feet while still using both crutches. I also rejoined the world by going outside on Saturday for the first time since surgery (in the morning, before the temps hit triple digits…) and going to the grocery store with my mom yesterday! Yes, this deserves an exclamation point. I know it’s ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop smiling the whole time. While it was nice to spend a few days napping, reading books, and watching movies at home, I much prefer being active and social, so it didn’t take long for me to become a little stir-crazy.

Today, six days post-op, was my first follow-up appointment and PT session in Indianapolis. I was equal parts horrified and intrigued to see what was underneath the bandages from surgery. Without further ado…ta-da!

Behold, Franken-Ankle!

While I was sitting in the exam room waiting for Dr. Porter, I got a bit sad and freaked out looking at my ankle — even though it was a mess inside before surgery, it’s hard to see one of my dancing feet so visibly mangled! All of the exam rooms at Methodist Sports Medicine are decorated with framed pictures and thank-you notes from patients, and looking at those strong, confident athletes, I feel so far from that point right now. However, I know that a huge part of recovery is mental: I need to tell myself to take things day by day, but remember why I’m going through this and imagine myself on those walls — not to mention back in the studio and on stage!

Dr. Porter told me that my bruising, swelling, and stiffness are normal and will continue to go down. He also asked, “How did you get so tough?” when I told him the pain hadn’t been too bad the first week. My reply: “Dancing on a torn tendon and a broken bone…”

Over the next 3-5 days, I’m supposed to wean myself off crutches, using just one first and then walking in my boot. My incision is now covered by two big Band-Aids, which I can remove to shower. (Yes, true confession, I haven’t showered in a week. Two words: doctor’s orders…and, baby wipes. At least my nurse mom helped me wash my hair in the kitchen sink!) I also was cleared to sleep without my boot, which will be a glorious break from wearing it 24/7 like I have since surgery.

Today’s PT session was pretty brief and mostly involved measuring the range of motion of both ankles, as well as learning a series of exercises to do on my own several times a day. The therapist also manually pointed and flexed my foot back and forth for a while. Needless to say, it’s quite stiff, so I asked the PT if I should be concerned. (Such a dancer question…) He said no and reminded me that I’m only six days post-op and have been in a boot the whole time…breathe, Kristen!

At my next appointment in Indy, a week from today, I’ll get my stitches out and build on the PT exercises I do at home. (At four weeks, once I'm ready to return to ballet, I’ll start seeing a dance specialist PT.) Assuming the incision continues to heal well, I should be able to start swimming for cardio and also should be driving by my next appointment. I’m looking forward to seeing more progress and, as always, grateful for those who are supporting and encouraging me on this journey!

Be Awesome Instead

I had a feeling the last few days were too good to be true. Minimal pain, no nausea, and a good night’s sleep the second night after surgery? Seriously? Well, at 2:30 a.m. today I woke up with a horrible stomachache and spent the next eight hours miserable and sick. There is nothing that feels more pathetic than being 26 years old, throwing up the entire contents of your stomach, and calling for your mom to come pick you up off the bathroom floor because you can’t stand up on your own.

I called the doctor’s office as soon as they opened, and they suggested stopping my prescription painkiller (it’s about time to phase that out, anyway) and seeing if Aleve and extra-strength Tylenol are enough to keep the pain in check. So far, so good. I slept for most of the day and have been trying to refuel on Gatorade and crackers — being so sick made me feel weak and exhausted. I butt-crawled up the stairs to get dressed around noon, and just doing that completely drained my energy.

I’ve actually slept a lot since surgery, period — the prescription pain pills made me tired, and I’ve been having a hard time staying awake through any of the books and movies I brought with me! I hope this means my body is dedicating all of its energy to healing. Plus, I find inspiration in the words of Barney Stinson a Greek philosopher, who once said, “Whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead.”

So, it's been a rough day, but I’m hanging in there! My surgeon called Wednesday afternoon to see how I’m doing and suggested that I try to put weight on my right foot (with crutches) starting Thursday. I was able to walk around for a little bit yesterday before heading back to the comfort of my cryocuff, AKA my new best friend. I’ve been keeping up with my exercises and cryocuff the best I can with my crazy sleep schedule, and hopefully by my one-week follow-up appointment on Monday I will be putting weight on my foot more or possibly using just one crutch. 

Until the next update, a few pictures:

What I wake up to! Fact: chocolate and peanut butter treats speed healing by 50%.

 

The sweetest get-well card from my favourite Brit, Kate!

My route to the couch, blocked by the alpha beagle. (This was taken yesterday...ain't no one going to see my sad self today!)

Here's My Ankle, So Cut Me Maybe?

I’m alive! At least that’s what I proclaimed as I left the operating room yesterday afternoon, according to the nurses, along with “Dr. Porter rocks!”

I’m back at my parents’ house (about an hour from Indianapolis) after my surgery, and am happy to say that I’m feeling better than I expected. My husband Eric and I drove up here Monday night so we could save ourselves a few hours of driving on the day of surgery. Determined to enjoy my last few hours of eating and drinking before the anesthesiologist-mandated cutoff, we went out for a delicious dinner at a local Italian restaurant. I chugged several glasses of water in an attempt to store up my reserves, camel-style, then came home for dessert: a chocolate peanut butter banana icebox pie (!) my mom had made from the latest issue of Southern Living.

OMG. All the things!

On Tuesday morning, I put on my Threadless “Swan Kick” T-shirt as a good luck charm (it shows a ballerina kicking a ninja through the air with her mighty arabesque), and we hit the road. I had to arrive at the surgery center at 10 a.m., and surgery was scheduled for noon. Once a nurse called me back, had me change into a hospital gown, and started a saline IV, my mom and Eric got to come back and sit with me. I had started to get nervous, not to mention thirsty!, and it helped a lot to have them there to distract me.

Dr. Porter came in around 11:15, explained once again what would happen in surgery, and wrote “YES” on my right foot. I asked if I could keep the bone, but that was a no since it’s live tissue, which isn’t allowed to go home with patients. Dr. Porter asked if he could say a prayer over my foot before we went into the operating room, which was so comforting and meant a lot to my family and me. He said we would get started a little early (a medical miracle!), then a nurse had me hand over my glasses to my mom and held my hand to walk me into the operating room. My vision is terrible, so all I could see was a big, bright room with five blurry people inside. All of the nurses were so sweet, and they had me lie down on a bean bag on the table, which helped keep me from moving around because I was lying on my side for the surgery. I was under a warm blanket and couldn’t help thinking the whole setup would have been cozy with a book and cup of tea…if the room weren’t freezing cold and scalpels weren’t involved. The anesthesiologist told me he was putting “I don’t care medicine” in my IV, and seconds later I was out.

The next thing I remember is Dr. Porter telling me he found and repaired a “good-sized tear” in my FHL tendon. The tear was about 2 inches long and the tendon was torn halfway through, thanks to the pesky os trigonum (which is NO MORE!) rubbing against it. The bone was “wiggly,” he said — fractured but still attached by some tissue. It blows my mind to know I had been walking and dancing on a torn tendon and a chunk of broken bone, but the new info also reassured me that surgery was absolutely the right choice.

I stayed in the recovery area for a little while and drank fruit punch Gatorade with ice…the most refreshing thing ever after 13 hours of nothing to drink! The nurse told me I came out of the OR chatting away (see the first paragraph in this post…) and that I asked to sit up and look at my foot in the boot. I have no recollection of this, but apparently it only took me a few minutes to wake up after surgery, so I think the anesthesiologist was right on the mark. I was amazed at how alert I felt, and I wasn’t nauseous at all. After changing back into my clothes, a nurse wheeled me out to the car, and we were on the road home by 2:00.

At home I went through the post-op packet, which included a get well card signed by Dr. Porter, the anesthesiologist, and all of the nurses (so sweet!), a crazy-long list of medications, and a picture of my snazzy new ankle, sans os trigonum!

I see why they told me I need to be out of work for a week: No joke, it’s surprisingly hard work lying around trying to heal. I have a set of simple physical therapy exercises (such as toe wiggling and leg lifts) to do every hour, and the cryo-cuff inside my boot is supposed to be drained and refilled with ice water every 20 minutes to minimize pain and swelling. I’m supposed to keep my leg elevated and not put it down for more than 10 minutes at a time, and I take various pills (painkillers, antibiotics, and anti-nausea meds) five times a day. It’s quite the elaborate routine but is the best excuse ever to hijack the living room TV and watch “Dance Moms” with no complaints, even from my husband and dad. 

Flowers and chocolates from my in-laws in Minnesota!

Hello from the recovery room!

I had a tough first night because it turns out that sleeping in a giant boot with your foot elevated is not the easiest task, especially once the nerve block from surgery starts to wear off and the pain sets in. Still, I managed to get a few hours of sleep, and am feeling OK now that I’ve had a couple rounds of painkillers this morning and am back in the cryo-cuff. Lots of couch time and relaxing ahead today! Thanks to everyone who has been checking in on me and sending prayers and positive thoughts!

T Minus 3 Days

So, this little surgery I’m having on Tuesday. It’s no big thing. No metal rods or artificial joints, no tube down my throat, no overnight hospital stay — just a quick surgery to pluck out a pesky, non-essential bone and clean up an angry tendon. I’m probably making too big a deal out of it. But considering it’s my first surgery (wisdom teeth don’t count; that’s just a rite of passage…) and will require significant changes to my lifestyle for at least a month, it’s a little nerve-wracking.

The surgery is supposed to take half an hour — incredible that they can fix the cause of nearly 2 years of pain in 30 minutes! Dr. Porter told me there is a 1-2% chance my ankle will be worse afterward, 12-15% chance of no change (still having pain and stiffness, but this time from scar tissue), and 82-85% chance of positive change. I'll do everything I can to be a rock-star patient and hopefully have a great outcome from the surgery.

I’ll be out of work for a week, on crutches for 1-2 weeks (no driving during that time), and wearing a boot until 4 weeks after surgery. At that point, if everything’s going well, I’ll switch out the boot for a sexy lace-up ankle brace for another month or two. I’ll see a physical therapist at Methodist Sports Medicine at every follow-up appointment, then have sets of exercises to do on my own at home. One of the best parts of this whole scenario: They’re assigning me to a PT who used to be a professional ballet dancer! It’s so reassuring to know I’ll be working with someone who gets both the physical and the psychological aspects of being a dancer and recovering from an injury (or, in my case, an instance of genetic freakishness).

If everything goes according to plan, I'll be able to head back to my favorite barre 4 weeks after surgery, then incrementally add center work, jumping, and pointe after that. My surgeon estimates it'll be 3-4 months before I can resume my full dance schedule.

Right now, I’m trying not to stress or think about it too much and just enjoy my last fully mobile weekend for a while! Thanks for all of the prayers, positive vibes, and support…they mean a lot as I'm heading into what I know will be a tough time. But in the immortal words of the Indigo Girls, "the prize is always worth the rocky ride."

Funny Bone

Hello again! It’s been a busy last week before surgery — finishing up work (plus freelance work), enjoying my final few ballet classes of the summer, making a gazillion calls to my insurance company (America’s favorite pastime…), and visiting with my in-laws who were in town from Minnesota.

I can’t believe I’m less than five days away from surgery, but before I get ahead of myself, I need to finish the story of how I got to this point!

By this spring, I was not only frustrated with the issues I was having in ballet, but dealing with pain in my “normal” life too. I decided I was way too young to be turning down walks with my husband and dog because of joint pain, and that this problem wasn’t going to disappear on its own.

I have to hand it to a friend who’s an athletic trainer — he’s the one who first posed the possibility of an os trigonum to me. (If you’re just tuning in now, read my last post for more info on this funny-sounding thinger.) I dismissed the idea at first because I’d had x-rays, and the doctor said they were normal. But when I did some research, I realized that the symptoms sounded just like what I was experiencing. I made an appointment with a different orthopedic surgeon, who took another set of x-rays …and sure enough, when the side view of my ankle popped up on the computer screen in the exam room, there it was: a “fairly large os trigonum,” as the doctor said into his little recorder.

The os trigonum is the little nub sticking out above my heel bone. In case you couldn’t tell from my awesome Paint skillz with the ellipse tool.

I think it looks like a bean on the MRI! The white spots around the bone are inflammation/fluid buildup.

I’m leaving out a lot of details here on purpose, but it became apparent that the surgeon wasn’t too experienced in dealing with this issue (which, to be fair, isn’t very common). So I went back to the Interwebs, did some more research, decided I was willing to travel, and hoped the third time would be a charm.

I had to wait a month and drive several hours for my initial appointment with Dr. David Porter, an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in foot and ankle injuries and practices at Methodist Sports Medicine / The Orthopedic Specialists in Indianapolis. He treats a lot of professional and collegiate athletes (and dancers!), including the Colts. He’s known around the U.S. as a foot and ankle guru — seriously, Google him.

The first thing that happened during my appointment was this sweet X-ray of my foot on demi-pointe:

My heel bone is jammed right up against the os trigonum. No wonder it hurts!

As I pretty much expected because I’d exhausted all the other treatment options by this point, Dr. Porter said I needed surgery if I wanted to continue dancing. He showed me on the MRI that the bone is actually fractured, and he also pointed out some nodules that have formed on my FHL tendon and did a (super painful) test that confirmed I have trigger toe in addition to an os trigonum.

Non-medical-expert briefing time again! The FHL tendon runs from underneath the big toe, through the inside of the ankle, and right past the os trigonum, so FHL problems tend to coincide with the extra bone. Trigger toe basically means that the tendon is irritated and doesn’t slide smoothly through the tendon sheath like it should. Instead, my big toe goes from being straight to snapping into a hooked position and getting stuck there. Sounds pleasant, I know. It feels nice too.

While no one wants to hear that they need surgery, I feel as good about the situation as I possibly can! I’m confident in Dr. Porter and his team — he took plenty of time to answer my questions and obviously has a ton of knowledge and experience, both in treating os trigonum syndrome and in working with dancers. Although I’ll be spending many, many hours in the car and beating a well-worn path to Indianapolis over the next few months, I already know it's worth the drive. 

Next update: the gory details of surgery (or at least the ones they've told me)!

Tales of an Os Trigonum (Or, Why Does My Right Foot Suck?)

If you’ve read my first post and are wondering, “What the #$%^ is an os trigonum? I’ve never heard of that,” you’re not alone. I had no idea I had an extra bone hanging out in my ankle — or that it had a name — for a year and a half after it started causing problems. One of my friends asked, “An extra bone? How is that even possible?”

Here’s a quick briefing from my non-medical-expert perspective: Around 5-10% of people have an os trigonum, a small accessory bone in the back of the ankle. Most of them will never know it’s there or experience any issues because of it. The lucky few who do include ballet dancers and soccer players — athletes who repeatedly point their toes downward (and, in a dancer’s case, put weight on their foot in this position).

This is sometimes called a “nutcracker injury” because the os trigonum is crunched like a nut in a nutcracker between the ankle and heel bones, and the tissues around it become irritated and painful. Can any other dancers appreciate the irony?

(Source: foothealthfacts.org)

For me, the fun started back in the summer of 2010. I was barefoot and doing releves in the bathroom (naturally) when I noticed that my right heel wasn’t as high off the ground as my left. I didn’t feel any pain, but thought it was strange that my range of motion seemed to have changed for no reason.

That fall, when Nutcracker rehearsals started and my time on pointe increased, I began feeling a tendonitis-like pain on the inside and deep in the back of my ankle. By the time Nutcracker was over, my ankle was so stiff and sore that I could barely point and flex my foot. (How did I get through a full-length ballet like that, you ask? Stage magic, my friends. And gobs of extra-strength Tiger Balm.)

In short, over the next year and a half, this cycle continued. I saw an orthopedics/sports medicine doctor, who diagnosed posterior tibial and Achilles tendonitis, and tried the following treatments: rest (at least a month off ballet, several times), physical therapy, ice, heat, walking boot, Graston technique, two prescription anti-inflammatories, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Left foot: Not a crazy banana foot, but it'll do.

Right foot: See how high the ball of my foot is, compared to the left? For a dancer, this can make the difference between being on pointe and...not.

By this spring, I had grown frustrated at the way I continued to grow stronger in ballet and improve my technique, but only on one side. I felt confident holding long balances on pointe, doing double pirouettes and fouettes, etc. on the left, but struggled just to get to full pointe on the right. At home, I was also working with a Theraband to stretch and strengthen my feet, and my right just seemed to get “stuck” while my left kept improving. While pretty much every dancer has a better side, the difference in range of motion and stability was so pronounced that I started to realize that something more significant than tendonitis might be going on.

To be continued! (Not to be dramatic, really. Just because this post is getting a little long for a world with a 140-character attention span.)

I can't believe I started a blog.

I’m Kristen — 20-something, writing/communications/PR gal by day, ballet dancer by night and weekend. I’m also an overachiever, to the point of having 207 bones.

When I first found out I had os trigonum syndrome (a painful impingement caused by an extra bone in my ankle), I poked through dusty little corners of the Internet trying to find information on this condition that, while seemingly common among dancers, is rare among “normal” people — even athletes. (“Did you WebMD it?” a friend asked. I tried, but the search results came back empty. This may be a good thing because in true WebMD fashion, the site probably would have told me I have a freak form of ankle cancer and three days to live.) 

My research turned up plenty of medical journal articles in which I understood about 17% of the words, but very few firsthand accounts of dealing with os trigonum syndrome, having surgery, and recovering. I wanted to read real stories, told by real people, about the ups and downs and when can I ditch the boot and crutches and dance again?

The few resources I did find were tremendously helpful: I enjoyed Ballet Austin dancer Michelle Thompson’s upbeat posts about her surgery and rehab on dance blog The Winger. I also found plenty of insights on Ballet Talk for Dancers, a message board that, incidentally, also helped me find my Cinderella pointe shoes. (Lovely Freed Studio Operas, fear not. This is a temporary hiatus. I will return to you soon.)

So that brings me to this blog, which is at once an attempt to keep friends and family updated throughout my surgery and recovery and to provide information to anyone else — especially dancers — who might land here after browsing the Interwebs like I did. This is also an attempt to keep myself sane while I’m couch-bound and out of ballet. Homegirl doesn’t like sitting still.  

My surgery (more specifically, os trigonum excision and FHL tendon/trigger toe release) is scheduled for Tuesday, June 26. Until then, I’ll post some background info and explain how I got to this point. After surgery, I'll share updates on my recovery and return to ballet. If all goes according to plan, I hope this will be a short-term writing project and that I’ll be back to happy, healthy dancing soon!